Scientists discover Tories’ reasoning ability rivals that of a 7-year-old human child

I’m not sure intelligence is quite the right term for this. It could simply be a form of highly developed, but strictly limited thinking seen in other parts of the animal kingdom, such as the elaborate dams built by beavers or the massive burrows constructed by meercats. In this case, the ability to identify high yield off-shore tax havens is really only a variety of such animal intelligence, that does not equate to other forms of creative thought associated with developed primate intelligence. One may, for example, compare it with the hand-axes produced by Homo Erectus and other primitive humans, which remained essentially the same with little innovation over millions of years. The problem with such information is that it can lead to increased anthropomorphism, as people mistakenly attribute more advanced forms of thinking to these creatures that simply isn’t there.

Furthermore, on the basis of such information, I would reconstruct the Tories’ hominid family tree as descended from Pilton Down – a fraudulent creature combining the features of the human and orang-utan. And thus was modern Conservatism founded.

Pride's Purge


By our science correspondent

Some species of Tories could be as advanced at reasoning and logical thinking as a human seven-year-old child, according to a new study.

Researchers subjected six wild Tories to a battery of tests designed to challenge their understanding of causal relationships and found most of them were as intelligent as an average five to seven-year-old human child.

The “water displacement” tasks were all variations of the so-called Aesop’s Fable test – in which thirsty Tories demonstrated a remarkable ability to drop disabled people into water-filled tubes in order to obtain floating rewards such as cash bonuses and other valuable share options.

The Tories tested in the study were able to accurately choose objects that were more likely to sink rather than float – such as the young, the old and the terminally ill. Most of the Tories were also able to quickly identify high yield off-shore tax havens over ones with low yields.

British Tories, named after the European islands where…

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